


Ribs

by pelinal



Series: Hello stranger [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Child Death, F/F, Gen, Rite of Tranquility, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-23 22:29:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17088944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pelinal/pseuds/pelinal
Summary: "'Send him to the Circle,' I said, confident now, thinking that I'd rather have him alive and furious with me than dead and pleased. 'Send him to the Circle.' A new incantation. Magic words I had learned that would let my brother live.'"Letters between Leliana and the Hero of Ferelden on the subject of the mage Jowan.





	Ribs

_Sumia,_

_The man you asked me about has been found. He is safe at Skyhold._

_Your last letter would have been a small disaster, had anyone thought to intercept it--please be a bit more discreet when you write me next. But I would like to hear the full story about him from you when you are here._

Á bientôt, ma coeur!  
_Leli_

**—A letter from the desk of the Spymaster, signed with a large heart**

 

* * *

 

 _Leli,_ ma rose _(_ ma _, not_ mon _, right? I had to check with Madam Vivienne!!),_

_I feel a bit stupid writing a letter I'm only going to hand to you myself. I thought of sending it while I was on my way back, but you know I have no mind for all that cloak-and-dagger faff (not faff when you do it!!! But when I try...) and I didn't want to risk bringing down the Inquisition with one letter--!!! (I'm joking)_

_Not that I think anyone really cares what the Hero of Ferelden gets up to these days, at least not in a political capacity._

_I'm stalling, but I'm going to run out of paper at this rate, and I'm in the arse end of the Hinterlands right now, so when I'm out of paper, I'm out of paper!!_

**(This portion of the letter is delineated on either side with a ridiculous amount of flowers and curls.)**

_*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

_THE FULL STORY_

_*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

_I'll start at the beginning. You were there with me when we found Jowan in the Redcliffe dungeons...it hurt to see him in such a bad way. My brother. I remember you whispered in my ear that it looked like they'd taken a thumbscrew to him. I remember thinking How on earth does a Chantry sister know anything about thumbscrews? But it made me shudder anyway._

_You picked the lock, that was the first time I saw you do it with that little flourish you always have. And Jowan and I hugged one another tight until he winced and went, "Ribs, Sumia," and I eased up a bit._

_I did what I could for him, but I was no good at healing then, not like now, anyway, and Wynne was at camp. I tired myself out completely (plus potions) trying to fix that mangled leg of his and he STILL had to lean on me. I felt like I was the one who'd been tortured (--I don't need to tell you what a dramatic young woman I was, but still)_

_And I said, weakly, that maybe it'd be better if he just pissed off to the north for a bit, since the Circle didn't have his phylactery anymore anyway, but he was dead set on staying and fixing his mess (which was more Uldred and Loghain's combined mess and a dash of shit luck, but I was silly and tired and sad. I had very little argument in me)._

_So I said to come along then, because at least then I could watch him in case he keeled over from his injuries, and I remember Alistair balked because we were freeing a blood mage, and I said something inane like "shut up" or "he's my friend before he's a blood mage". It was true, but it was also incredibly sentimental._

_Even Jowan shot me a look like "laying it on a bit thick, mate"._

_So we continued on, and we found out what had happened to Connor, and Jowan offered to do the blood ritual. I was all right with it (though I remember you absolutely resented the idea), but I was sure that killing the arlessa would cost Jowan and I our heads. Because you know as well as I do that they always find a way to pin it on mages, or elves, or blood magic, and between us we represented all three!_

_Not that what ended up happening was any better._

_I was completely sure that by the time we made it to the Circle and back, the demon would have completely taken over Redcliffe. That was no option at all. So it was either "order the murder of the Arlessa" or "let demons overrun Redcliffe." The blood magic, as I saw it, was the lesser of two evils. Although, in my head, I was already making peace with my own impending execution. You know I was a terrible catastrophiser in those days._

_Just in case, though, I tried to test a third option. I wanted to see if there was any way to reach Arl Eamon. I don't even remember what I thought I was going to do, but I remember it was, to me, some grand, perfect plan. I felt amazingly smart for having thought of it. You and Alistair didn't want any part of it, and even Barkspawn whined while we tiptoed the empty upper hallways of the castle, but I wasn't_

**(This line descends into halfhearted, illegible scribbles. It picks up normally in the next line.)**

_I wasn't expecting to have to kill the child. I killed a child. I killed Connor Guerrin. I dream about it some nights, ten years later(--more) and I know you do too, and I know Alistair would have done too. I'm so sorry._

_I thought at worst it would scare me back into the main hall. But it was so threatened when we approached Eamon that it fought me, and when it fought me, Connor had to fight me, too, and there was no_

**(This line trails off in much the same way as the previous one.)**

_So I watched Isolde kill her child, although that isn't the right word. I had started the process of killing him--all she did was stop it from dragging on more than it needed to. If I can thank the Maker for one little mercy, it's that at least you didn't see her do it._

_I held the door for her as she walked back into the main hall with Connor in her arms, and. The look on your face, on Teagan's face, on Jowan's face. I had the urge to die, I felt it in my gut as strongly as you'd feel hunger, or a cramp. I saw myself in my head sticking the staff blade straight into my chest. I deserved it, for being so STUPID. I had_ murdered _someone, a little boy of ten, because I was arrogant and I thought I could outpace a demon._

_Something weird happened to me then. Touching things felt like when your hand is numb and you touch your cheek and your cheek feels the contact, the coldness of your fingers, but your fingers only feel a bit of pressure. I was the fingers, I suppose. I felt like I was floating an inch off of the ground when I walked. I thought, this is how it feels when you haven't a soul anymore._

_We sat around. A servant brought water. Isolde was beside herself sobbing. You were crying. You've told me once or twice that I was crying too. What I remember is that my face was wet and I couldn't wipe it dry._

_I reached out to Jowan, and he stepped away from me with a strange expression, his mouth was sort of twisted. He hissed, "I saw the scorch marks on Connor. You bloody did this."_

_And I said "yes, I did," and I don't know what was different about me, but his face changed watching me, and he hugged me then, harder than the first time in the dungeons, and I said "ribs, Jowan", and he laughed, and the laugh turned into a sob, and THAT'S when I remember starting to cry, although I know your version is different._

_We stood there for a bit, I was looking at nothing but the blue fabric of his ratty Circle robes. That would be nice, I thought, if the world was nothing but this blue fabric._

_~~Arl~~ Bann Teagan cleared his throat. "Warden Surana," he said, "the actions of this mage have--he's killed Connor Guerrin," and Isolde wailed louder._

_"No," I said, "I did."_

_"Your. . ." He had to squeeze his eyes shut and start again, more than once, but that first time was the longest. We were a room full of weepy, snottering adults, it would have been very funny if it wasn't the worst thing I've ever done or witnessed. He said something like, "What happened to Connor, Warden, is a tragedy, but it came as a result of your trying to clean up the mage's mess."_

_"No," I said again, and that was all I had to say. No, no, no. No to everything. "It--I--poisoning the Arl was Loghain's order. And Jowan isn't responsible for the demon!"_

_Jowan looked at me like I was embarrassing him by bargaining for his fucking life. I hated him for not opening his fool mouth._

_"This--_ knife _in the_ back _of the Guerrin line cannot go unpunished," said Teagan. "You speak of my brother's betrayal as though it were inconsequential, and not the reason for all this misery!" He was angry then, I've seen him that way a few times since. He gets red flecks in his neck._

_No no no no no, I thought. "Then punish me. It was my hand that murdered Connor." That was true, it still is true. Every word felt like forcing an arrow out through your shoulder once you've cut off the arrowhead._

_"Warden Surana." He said it slowly, like I was simple. "This man faces execution."_

_"No!" I said again. It felt like the only Fereldan word I knew. No no no no no. Jowan squeezed my hand._

_"Bann Teagan," said Alistair very gently. "You might return him to the Circle."_

_Teagan held his hands to his head. "That. . .I. . ."_

_"Please, my lord," you joined in, as beautifully eloquent as ever, something like, "This man clearly acted out of desperation. More death will benefit no one."_

_"Well, Warden?"_

_"Yes," I said._

_Jowan dropped my hand. "Sumia, have you gone completely off your rocker?" He looked at me with utter bafflement. "How can you say that?"_

_"Send him to the Circle," I said, confident now, thinking that I'd rather have him alive and furious with me than dead and pleased. "Send him to the Circle." A new incantation. Magic words I had learned that would let my brother live._

_He was communicating with me, when I think back. Giving me those strange, ironic looks that were our sign language, in which we understood each other as easily as breathing. I didn't understand him then. I thought he was afraid of being sent to the Circle because of what Irving would say. The thought didn't even (I had this problem of perspective for many years as a young woman, fresh out of the Circle and used to simple, binary options and Right Answers always hiding around the corner) but the thought didn't even cross my mind that they might make him Tranquil._

_Tranquil._

_Teagan had his men (what few men there were) take Jowan away, and he didn't bother to put up a fight, he just shot me this long, pitiless look full of betrayal and full of fear. It was an overreaction, I thought, but Jowan overreacted to lots of things. Honestly, my hand is shaking as I write this. I could_ kill _the younger Sumia!! What a DUNCE I was._

_That is the last image I have of Jowan as he was._

**(Here the ink is smudged significantly.)**

_I've put down the paper for a bit and gone to stretch my legs. Hopefully my handwriting is better for it._

_You were with me the next time, too, the next time I met Jowan, although I don't consider it a real meeting and I don't consider him really Jowan._

_It was years after I returned to Ferelden, and we reunited in Denerim. I think we had only just gotten engaged. I remember toying with that lovely silver ring you'd chosen for me because I was so nervous. Watching the fat dark emerald glint in the light._

_I had put it off because I was frightened. So much had changed in the Circle, so many people had died, I didn't think I'd recognize anyone, except Jowan. I secretly hoped he'd escaped again and managed to stay free, because I wanted that for him and because I kept seeing his face in Redcliffe, yellow in the firelight, his eyes wide and confused._

_It still hadn't occured to me that he might be Tranquil. You used to tell me that I can be like a horse with blinders, and I think this is the perfect example. There were two options in my mind: either_

_a) Jowan had escaped, or_  
_b) he was captive in the Circle, resenting me_

_We met with Irving first. He was as kind as ever, but feeble since the ordeal with Uldred. He walked us, slowly, through the alterations made to the tower (while you nodded along, even though it must have been terribly boring for a non-mage, thank you for that) and we passed the stockroom and his perpetual frown deepened a little bit. We were going to walk straight past it but that I heard a voice I would have recognized anywhere._

_"Sumia Surana. Good morning."_

_It was all wrong. I knew before I turned around, I had the horrible feeling in my gut that I hadn't had since Redcliffe, and I knew that I was going to fucking well see a lyrium brand on him._

_I was stupid, we turned around, you gasped, and I ignored it, I hugged him like I was trying to squeeze the life back into him, and he just stood there. I thought he was being cruel, but he didn't have the capacity to be cruel, and that thought was ten million times worse than his being upset at me._

_I pulled away, on my own time, he wasn't going to push me, I could have stood there and hugged him until the next Age if I'd wanted to, for all the good it would have done. He always did this thing when we were young where he would flick the top of my ear, just where I have that little chunk missing out of it now, and I always thought it was the most annoying fucking thing ever, when I was a teenager and awkward in my skin I would fly into rages, but I wanted him to do it now. More than anything. More than I wanted to keep breathing._

_But he just stood there and did fuck-all, you know that. I ran my fingers over the lyrium brand, it was a little raised, like an old scar, which I suppose it was, and he stood there and let me. I asked a question I knew the answer to. "What did they do to you?"_

_"What you requested be done," he said, and he didn't even mean it as a jab, he couldn't have, but I really wanted it to be. "I was made Tranquil. In fact, I was made Tranquil the night I returned to the Circle."_

_And everything made sense. The look he gave me in Redcliffe. I had done to him the thing he was most afraid of. I said that to him. I was sobbing. None of the other Tranquil seemed bothered. You put your hand in the small of my back._

_"Yes," he replied, "although I no longer feel fear." Fucking cold comfort that was._

_"Do you remember what it was like feeling things?" I asked. You said_ Sumia, don't.

_He considered it. "Vaguely."_

_"Were you very angry at me? After I had you sent to the Circle?"_

_"Yes. I felt betrayed. I didn't know why you would go so far to help me and then leave me to, as you said, my greatest fear. Am I upsetting you?"_

_"No," I said, bawling, hiccuping between words. "Well, yes, but it's not your fault. I'm sorry." I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I said it to fill the space. Gawkers gathered, one of them was one of the senior enchanters I helped with a spider problem when I was freshly Harrowed. In return she signed my permission form for a magic item or other to help with Jowan's escape. Not that she knew what it was for. I don't think I'd ever told you where I knew her from. Now you know._

_So we left, and we didn't come back again. I tried to put him out of my mind like I put aside everyone who died or suffered for my sake so I wouldn't lose my fucking mind. You're so graceful about it, Leli. You toast your old friends, remember them quietly. I'm clumsy, and all I can do is wallow._

_But apparently I have the chance to fix it now. One thing out of a thousand, but one of the important things. We met Seeker Cassandra when we went to Kirkwall, and I was still thinking about Tranquility all the time, and I had no idea then that the solution would come from her, of all people. She explained it to me the last time I was at Skyhold, the best she knew how. Keeping vigil until a spirit of faith touches your mind. But that's all very peaceful, isn't it, compared to when some Templar bastard does it to you by force?_

_I met one of the Tranquil, an old woman who had only been that way for a few months, and she'd volunteered for them to try the cure on her. She was manic, all she could do was laugh and cry, she sat and held my hands and gave me a long, pointless, unbelievably joyful account of how good it was to be alive. And there was the other one, a boy of maybe seventeen? who had been Tranquil for a year and half, and him, you said, they had to watch constantly, because he had tried multiple times to off himself. You were good to him, you brought rose tea and sat with him and talked over all the things that were running through his mind._

_And you told me you thought he'd heal, given time and kindness. But that was one year. Jowan's had ten. (I feel sick.)_

_I hope the Ritual's done already. If not, I don't think I should be there when it happens. But I want to be there when he's ready to see me._ If _he wants to see me._

_Maybe we'll sit down over a beer (Jowan can't stand tea...neither can I, for that matter) and talk through the ten years I've taken from him. That's the least I can do for my brother. So there's the full story. As I remember it, anyway. I can see you in my mind's eye, reading this. Looking over the paper at me. That little mole over your eyebrow going up and down as you look between me and this mess of a letter. I'll have dredged up some bad memories. Maybe you'll be upset with me. Maybe you'll feel the same thing you felt when you saw me trailing behind Isolde into the Main Hall, and she had the corpse of that little boy in her arms._

_I can't end letters for shit._

_I love you. Á bientôt._

_Sumia_

**—A long, blotchy letter rolled into a tight scroll and tied with twine**

**Author's Note:**

> there have got to be some inconsistencies here...some are intentional/the result of sumia's spotty memory, but others are probably just my oversights, so sorry in advance :')


End file.
